The Beginning of An Insecurity

15^th August, 1998 Onwards

A new train was to be started from New Delhi Railway Station to Bombay Central, August Kranti Express. And all I knew was that this new train is going to take my old bhai away from me. Yes, he was going. He was going to Bombay for his engineering. Dad, along with my uncle was going to get him settled there. I and mom had gone to see him off at the railway station. After a long wait at the station, the train finally started moving and as the speed of train was increasing; my mom’s tears were also increasing exponentially. I didn’t know what to feel at that time but all I remember was that I started crying seeing him go away, away from me. With whom was I now going to play cricket in the verandah, who was going to save me from mom’s beating and who will save me in a fight at school? These questions repeatedly came in my mind as I was crying profusely. I also remember, that, when I was crying in the car after boarding him off in the train, I was counting the number of years on my finger-tips and was calculating in what class will I be when bhai will come back from Bombay and guess what I would be in class 7^th when he will be back.

Dad was back after a week or so after settling bhai in Bombay. I was probably sitting in the living room watching TV or studying and I don’t know what made me go to his room that evening but I went close to dad and started making a “fish-face” for him. At first he didn’t notice but then after a couple of minutes he did notice me making that face and tears started rolling out of his eyes. He held me with my hand and hugged me very tightly and said “I know what you were trying to do; you saw that I am sad and you tried to make me happy.” I don’t know why I did that but I thought it will make him happy and it did. Even till date he mentions that incident to me sometimes and it still makes him happy.

As soon as bhai left, life became hell. Not literally but yeah, it somehow did. From the day I was born I was used to sleep with bhai but when he left I was supposed to sleep alone. When a 7 year old child is made to sleep alone at night, on the first floor all alone, he practically pisses his pants. As a child it was the worst thing happening to me because of bhai. I was made to sleep alone upstairs, but I just could not sleep. I used to cry all night and then come downstairs to mom and sleep with her. But this could not go forever; I had to sleep somewhere permanently without initially crying.

Since sleeping upstairs alone was not at all happening, mom and dad decided to make me sleep in the living room. NOTHING HAPPENED. As soon as I used to close my eyes, horrible nightmares used to flood my mind and I ended up crying every time.

As mom and dad realized that I am just not able to sleep alone, they decided to move me in their room but on a slightly different bed. It was a thinner mattress with a sheet over it and on the ground. It didn’t matter where I was sleeping, what mattered was with whom I was sleeping.

Now as I look back I think I know what was happening to me. I can’t be left alone in life. I always need someone close to me always, someone on whom I can bank upon. Whether it was bhai before going to Bombay, whether it was mom & dad after bhai went to Bombay or it is Preet or my friends in my current life. At that time the only time when I was used to be left alone was when I was going to sleep. But today it’s not about sleep; it’s more about having someone when I am down.