15th
August, 1998 Onwards
A new train was to be
started from New Delhi Railway Station to Bombay Central, August Kranti
Express. And all I knew was that this new train is going to take my old bhai
away from me. Yes, he was going. He was going to Bombay for his engineering.
Dad, along with my uncle was going to get him settled there. I and mom had gone
to see him off at the railway station. After a long wait at the station, the
train finally started moving and as the speed of train was increasing; my mom’s
tears were also increasing exponentially. I didn’t know what to feel at that
time but all I remember was that I started crying seeing him go away, away from
me. With whom was I now going to play cricket in the verandah, who was going to
save me from mom’s beating and who will save me in a fight at school? These
questions repeatedly came in my mind as I was crying profusely. I also
remember, that, when I was crying in the car after boarding him off in the
train, I was counting the number of years on my finger-tips and was calculating
in what class will I be when bhai will come back from Bombay and guess what I
would be in class 7th when he will be back.
Dad was back after a
week or so after settling bhai in Bombay. I was probably sitting in the living
room watching TV or studying and I don’t know what made me go to his room that
evening but I went close to dad and started making a “fish-face” for him. At
first he didn’t notice but then after a couple of minutes he did notice me
making that face and tears started rolling out of his eyes. He held me with my
hand and hugged me very tightly and said “I know what you were trying to do;
you saw that I am sad and you tried to make me happy.” I don’t know why I did
that but I thought it will make him happy and it did. Even till date he
mentions that incident to me sometimes and it still makes him happy.
As soon as bhai left,
life became hell. Not literally but yeah, it somehow did. From the day I was
born I was used to sleep with bhai but when he left I was supposed to sleep
alone. When a 7 year old child is made to sleep alone at night, on the first
floor all alone, he practically pisses his pants. As a child it was the worst
thing happening to me because of bhai. I was made to sleep alone upstairs, but
I just could not sleep. I used to cry all night and then come downstairs to mom
and sleep with her. But this could not go forever; I had to sleep somewhere
permanently without initially crying.
Since sleeping upstairs
alone was not at all happening, mom and dad decided to make me sleep in the
living room. NOTHING HAPPENED. As soon as I used to close my eyes, horrible
nightmares used to flood my mind and I ended up crying every time.
As mom and dad realized
that I am just not able to sleep alone, they decided to move me in their room
but on a slightly different bed. It was a thinner mattress with a sheet over it
and on the ground. It didn’t matter where I was sleeping, what mattered was
with whom I was sleeping.
Now as I look back I
think I know what was happening to me. I can’t be left alone in life. I always
need someone close to me always, someone on whom I can bank upon. Whether it
was bhai before going to Bombay, whether it was mom & dad after bhai went
to Bombay or it is Preet or my friends in my current life. At that time the
only time when I was used to be left alone was when I was going to sleep. But
today it’s not about sleep; it’s more about having someone when I am down.
